


McKirk Drabble Collection

by dammitjim (masterassassin)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Drabble Collection, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 10:50:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 6,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15241764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterassassin/pseuds/dammitjim
Summary: I unearthed the small mountain of McKirk headcanons and drabbles I wrote about four years ago. There's a little bit of everything in here.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I recently got back into the fandom (I never really left) and McKirk in particular and just went through my tumblr and found all of these little drabbles and headcanons again. I thought I might as well share them.  
> If there are any warnings those will be at the beginning of the chapter.

If someone asked Leonard where his fear and revulsion towards space came from he told them this: 

The most basic thing a human being needs to survive is oxygen. What doesn’t exist in space? Right, oxygen.  
Besides that he’s a doctor, goddammit. He’s been taught about almost every damn disease on earth and beyond but the fucking vastness of the universe always offers more illnesses with evermore horrible symptoms he’s never heard off and what’s worse for a doctor than being unable to treat a patient?!  
And finally, the absolute absence of light and sound.

Jim’s asked Bones this question at some point and even though the thought of exploring the universe makes Jim all giddy with excitement he can understand Bones’ point of view, well he tries at least.  
He can’t really do much to help Bones with his trepidation itself, though. 

But when Jim comes back from a shift on the bridge and finds Bones still awake in his bed with the lights on maximum, besides being off shift for a while already, Jim crawls into Bones bed, orders the lights to 5% and begins to murmur stories about his childhood into Bones hair until he knows he’s asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is very angsty

One day Jim gets called out of class and he’s already mentally going through everything he’d done lately but doesn’t come up with anything that would justify to actually pull him out of a course.   
But then there’s this Academy official telling him that there was an attack in medical and that cadet McCoy had been injured in it, badly so.   
  
Jim just stares without saying a word as he is escorted to the other side of campus. And then there’s Bones. On a cot. Eyes closed, hands clasped without grip in his lap.   
Jim’s blood turns to ice as he stumbles forward, sobs already forcing their way out of his throat. An ongoing current of  _no no, please no!_ escaping him.  
But it’s too late. Bones doesn’t hear him anymore.

 

Strong arms try to pull him away, shaking him.  _Jim! Jim you have to wake up!_

With a gasp Jim opens his eyes. Bones kneels in front of his bed, shocked expression on his face, hands on Jim’s shoulders. Just now Jim notices the tears on his own face.  
 _Oh_ _god, oh god Bones!_  he sobs before launching for the other’s arms.   
 _Please, please you have to promise to never ever do this to me! Promise me!_  

Of course Bones doesn’t have any idea what Jim’s talking about but he promises anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another angsty one

But imagine one day it happens.  
Jim makes a mistake, a terrible mistake. Complete miscalculation, unbelievable failure through sheer stubbornness.  
Lives are lost, good relationships irrevocably destroyed. It’s the biggest disaster in Starfleet history, no one talks about anything else. 

  
They take the Enterprise away from Jim. He gets thrown out of Starfleet. Jim knows they are right. There’s no way to sugarcoat what he’d done.  
Within a week, Jim’s lost everything he got. His job, his dream. His friends turned their backs on him. No one could believe it.

As Jim turns around one last time to look back at what used to be his life, it feels like a reverse déjà-vu.  
Again there are bruises on his face and blood on his shirt. Just a duffel bag in hand he leaves. 

But no, Jim hasn’t lost everything.

There’s one man still left beside him.

All he’s got left is his Bones.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alcohol and non-graphic smut mention

One Sunday Jim and Bones get pretty blasted and somewhere along a lot of drunken ramblings Jim suggests that they should totally make out because he thinks it’d be hot. And Leonard is just too drunk and Jim’s too pretty and so he just rolls with it.

The next morning they both have the hangover of the century but can still remember what happened last night, and neither really thinks it was that much of a bad idea because it was _really fucking good_  and it’s somehow not awkward at all between them now.  
And then they joke about how they can totally make this a "Sunday thing" and just like that more often then not they end up in a heap on the couch, kissing frantically on Sundays and it’s still all fine.

But then one day bones messes up the days because of a busy week in medical and just plants one on Jim on a Saturday, and Jim’s confused at first but then everything clears up and Bones suggests they could just as well make it a weekend thing.

So it becomes their weekend thing.

After a while just making out turns into rutting against each other and eventually a few handjobs here and there and then there’s the first blowjob and _‘Bones, it’s already Monday.’  
_ Leonard just grins and continues to suck him off.

Eventually they also add Friday and after that it’s not too far a stretch before it just seamlessly turns into a "we-do-whatever-we-want-whenever-we-like-thing".

One week later Uhura sees them kissing in a hallway.

Three months after it all started Gaila asks if they’re dating.  
They just smile.


	5. Chapter 5

Whenever Jim looked up into the night sky, counting the stars and imagining what it would be like up there he got this overwhelming, aching feeling. This strong desire which sometimes was so intense it took his breath away and drove tears to his eyes, but at the same time made him so  _so happy_ like he belonged up there, like this earth was just not enough for him. 

Jim could only guess that this was what being in love feels like.  
  
  
Two months into Jim’s second year at the academy, Leonard McCoy steps out of a shuttle sim, face a bit pale but with a shaky grin and a thumbs up for Jim.

And at that moment Jim knows he had guessed right.


	6. Chapter 6

One day Jim comes back to the Academy after spending a week in Iowa and rings up Bones to ask if he’d be fine with him coming over with pizza. And duh, of course Bones is okay with that!   
So Jim makes his way over to Bones’ apartment, just stopping to get the pizzas, thinking that the week off medical would certainly have done the doctor good.   
  
As Bones opens the door for him, the words just about to leave his mouth get caught in Jim’s throat. Bones obviously hadn’t shaved over the last few days, his hair was sticking up a bit, he was wearing comfortable but well fitting clothes and had a warm and soft expression in his hazel eyes.   
In short, he looked incredible. And hot as fuck.

“I hope you don’t mind the mess...” Bones made a vague gesture at the room behind him “I haven't done much of anything all week. Just relaxing for once really felt good.” He scratched his stubbly chin with a small smile.

Jim thought he might faint.

“I uh-,” Jim had to clear his throat, “No, no it’s totally fine.”   
Taking a deep breath to calm himself he followed Bones into the apartment, he still couldn’t take his eyes off him. Holy shit!

 

Halfway through their second pizza Jim felt like he was gonna explode.  
“I can’t do this!” He threw his hands up in the air. “It’s bad enough that you are just about the hottest piece of ass around here even with all the usual grumpiness and the good Fleet regulation-parted hair and clean-shaven face! But now I come back from a week that was so boring I spent about half of my waking and probably all of my sleeping time thinking about you anyway and I’m greeted with  _this!”_

Bones stared at him, slowly putting the piece of pizza in his hand back into the box.

"I really hope that was a calculated move to keep me going”, Jim growled, “because I will if you don’t say anything right now.”   
Bones didn’t move.  
“Good.” And with that Jim was in his lap, crashing their lips together with too much force and little finesse. 

It was still perfect.  
Especially because Bones responded enthusiastically, one hand fisted into Jim’s hair and the other low on his back pulling him closer.

“God, had I known it’d be that easy I’d have  _forgotten_  to shave for a few days long ago.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a hurt/comfort one

Jim’s been at the Academy for a little under a year now and so has Bones.   
They’ve come to like the other and while Jim was sure of the fact that this was going to happen from the moment he saw the miserable doctor on the shuttle, Bones was mildly surprised that he still stuck with the kid almost twelve months later now.

Though they spend a good amount of time together - studying, eating, occasionally going out to a bar, they haven’t yet gotten to really know each other that well. And it’s despite that that Jim feels uneasy leaving Bones to go home alone that one particular night. 

  
An hour later Jim sits on his bed, trying to concentrate on his Xenobio assignment but he still can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with his friend. So without further ado Jim leaves his bed and makes his way to Bones’ dorm.  
When he arrives he’s not at all surprised that Bones doesn’t open the door on Jim’s first try but as he’s still knocking ten minutes later (even though he is sure to have heard noise from inside) he decides to fuck it and uses the override code he snatched from a senior officer about two months ago. Not that he ever intended to really make use of it but one never knows.   
  
As Jim quietly opens the door he’s almost sure to find a dead-drunk Leonard McCoy on the floor, but as his eyes adjust to the darkness of the room he can make out Bones on his bed, staring at the ceiling with a stoic, almost apathetic expression.   
While slowly shuffling closer Jim makes sure to make enough noise to be clearly heard so Bones could tell him to get the fuck away. He doesn’t. And when Jim’s reached the bed he’s a little shocked to actually see still wet tear tracks on Leonard’s face.  
Bones still hasn’t acknowledged him.   
  
It’s pure gut feeling that drives Jim to crawl into the space next to his friend and he almost expects Bones to tell him to piss off now but he still doesn’t. He just lets out a small strangled sound that turns Jim’s blood to ice.   
  
After a while that feels like an hour Bones finally turns to Jim, a fresh pair of tear tracks on his face and tells him in a slow, pained voice that he hasn’t seen Joanna for a year today.

It was that night that Jim learned Bones has a little daughter.  
It was also the night Jim decided he never wanted to see this look on Bones’ face ever again. And he would do whatever he could to make sure of that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mentioned major character death

It was an unusual sight. Jim Kirk sitting all by himself on a Saturday evening in the back of a bar he didn’t even like, almost untouched tumbler of bourbon in hand which wasn’t his favourite either.

Everyone who knew him - hell, even someone who didn’t know him - could tell he had a bad day. In fact, Jim didn’t have a good day in three weeks.

His eyes were bloodshot and red rimmed, dark circles framing them. Hair a mess sticking up in every direction because of the many times he ran his fingers through it. His face was a bit more than just stubbly by now, he'd simply stopped shaving some time during the end of the second week.

Jim put the glass to his lips, took a sip and swallowed hard. He ground his teeth together, trying not to give in to the sobs that were trying to force their way out from deep down in his chest.

As he was staring at his almost empty drink, Jim thought that this was it. He would spend the rest of his life miserable and it just wouldn’t, couldn’t, get better. Not in two months, not in two years. Not in twenty. Never.

He swallowed the last bit of his whiskey down and motioned for the bartender to bring him another. The guy eyed him, slightly worried expression on his face, as he took Jim’s glass. He looked as if he was about to say something (maybe to stop Jim from drinking, it was his sixth glass) but didn’t. No one talked to Jim much anymore these days, everyone seemed to keep a distance, to watch him from afar. Waiting for him to explode maybe. Jim ignored them all.

He knew what they all were thinking. That they were waiting for him to just snap and start thrashing and shouting. But if Jim was honest, he didn’t think that he had the strength to do so. Everything just seemed so senseless. Void of any higher purpose.

Without so much as a glance at the man behind the bar Jim downed his drink, slammed the glass down on the surface, fished some credits out of his pocket (probably too much) and then left.

Jim didn’t feel drunk. Just empty.

He kept his face down, hood low, moving as fast as possible without actually running. His target wasn’t his own room. He hadn’t slept there in a while. Couldn’t bare the emptiness of it. Not that there was company where he was heading.

As Jim reached his destination, he keyed in his Captain’s override code - once again ignoring the flashing message that the room was sealed until further notice - and entered. Wondering at the back of his mind that his code even still worked after all this time. After all he was officially declared unfit for duty.

Jim let the door close behind him and breathed in deep. The scent was slowly fading by now and Jim was about to swallow the tears once again before he remembered that no one could see him now. So he just let them run down his cheeks, exhaling shakily.

He sank to the floor slowly, pulling one knee up to his chin and just stared into the dim room.  
Even though he couldn’t see it in the low light Jim knew that dust had started to settle on the things in the room. Nothing except for the bed had been touched since a few days after, after…

With a jump Jim lurched to his feet and made it just barely in time to the toilet before he retched heavily into the bowl. It wasn’t much more than bile and the whiskey, Jim hadn’t eaten in a few days.  
He sank back to sit on the cold bathroom tiles, sobbing harder now.

Jim couldn’t do it anymore.   
Three weeks it’d been now. Three weeks since he’d seen that grumpy face, had that eyeroll directed at him. Three weeks since he’d last seen the earnest hazel eyes looking at him like Jim was something so  _so special_ _._  Three weeks had passed since he’d last heard the exasperated  _Dammit, Jim!  
_

It’d been three weeks since Leonard McCoy had died.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild smut

Just about a week after Jim and Bones finally ended up fucking out some of the insane sexual frustration they had been harboring for each other they were sitting in a lecture hall. And had some trouble keeping their hands to themselves.  
After about thirty minutes Bones gave in and reached out to put his hand on Jim’s thigh, fingers slowly dancing along the inseam of the other's cadet pants. Jim just shot him a quick glance.

Another half hour passed with Bones simply stroking up and down Jim’s thigh, fingertips inching higher and higher with every minute. Jim had his hands clenched into fists on the desk, staring straight ahead.   
Suddenly Jim gasped and Bones smirked as he felt his hand brush Jim’s semi. With a smug expression on his face, Bones slowly began to tease Jim through his pants. The other shifted in his chair and Bones heard him mumble a quiet _Oh god_  as Jim buried his face in his hands.  
Bones was now palming Jim’s dick in earnest and there was nothing more satisfying than to hear the small sounds Jim tried really hard to suppress.

 _Bones…_  Jim was panting by now,  _Bones, I really think you should stop._  
Hm, no. I don’t think so.  
  
Jim’s lips were shiny and red from where he'd bitten and licked at them, his eyes dark with lust. God, Bones wanted to see him come.  
  
So he upped his game a bit. Stroking with just a little more force, pressing the heel of his hand into Jim’s crotch just so.  
  
Jim’s somewhat panicked glance just before he gripped his desk hard and came was a sight Bones was never going to forget.  
  
With a satisfied grin Bones palmed Jim through the aftershocks. The other had his head on the desk, breath still coming hard.

Suddenly there was movement around them, the lecture had ended without either of them noticing. Bones withdrew his hand from under the table and stood up to collect his things. Next to him Jim slowly straightened up himself, looking delightfully disheveled. Bones eyed him from head to toe, eyes catching on the small but very telling spot of wetness on Jim’s crotch.  
_You might want to do something about that,_ he whispered.

Jim looked down on himself and quickly grabbed his bag to hold it over his lap. _  
You’re so going to pay for this, Bones._


	10. Chapter 10

As soon as his lecture was over Jim was out of the door and hurried as fast as he could without actually running across the campus. He should have just skipped his stupid Particle Physics class, especially on the day Bones had his final shuttle sim.

Jim all but sprinted into the building and skidded to a halt right in front of their dorm room.   
He took a deep breath, it’d been two and a half years by now, but Jim never really knew what Bones would be like after a shuttle sim. There had been times he hadn’t emerged from the bathroom for the rest of the day, other days Bones had spent silent, panic only still visible in his eyes, and a few times he’d just acted like any other day.  
Naturally Jim was a bit nervous as he entered the code to open the door.

Bones sat on the couch, PADD in one hand, the other slowly circling the edge of a glass of bourbon. So not the bathroom scenario then. Good.  
Jim entered the room fully and dropped his bag on the floor. Bones looked up from his PADD. A small smile on his face.

“I passed.”

Jim let out an audible breath he didn’t know he had been holding. Then:

“I’m in love with you.”

That absolutely wasn’t what Jim had meant to say. More something along the lines of _I knew it!_ or _Of course you did.  
_ For a second Jim just stood there, frozen in the moment.

When he looked at Bones again, he saw the smile on his face had grown. 

“I think you should come over here, Jim. There’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while now.”

Bones put the PADD on the table, a slight blush creeping up his cheeks as he scooted to one side of the couch to make more room. Then he looked Jim square in the eye, biting his lip lightly.

Jim’s never been across the room this fast.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angsty af

What if yes, Bones manages to bring Jim back from the dead and it’s all good until four weeks later when Jim gets rushed into medical, unconscious, pulse weak, getting weaker by the minute.   
It’s obvious that Jim’s dying.   
  
Bones scrambles to do something,  _anything,_  but nothing works. After Jim’s flatlined the first time and they just barely managed to reanimate him, Bones rushes out of the room, into the research lab and uses his medical emergency override to get one of the few leftover vials of Khan’s blood. He hurries to the synthesizer and punches in the code to start the process which turns Khan’s blood into the cure that managed to save Jim’s life once. Minutes later Bones administers the cure via hypo and watches Jim’s vitals slowly stabilizing.

All is well again. Until it’s not.  
  
And it starts all over again, just two weeks later. This time Bones knows what to do and he does.  
But the few blood samples won’t last forever.


	12. Chapter 12

Jim usually is a very confident guy. He’s sure of himself, trusts his instincts. Thinks he knows people and can judge them well.  
And he does. Most times.

So when, after a month at the academy, Leonard still hasn’t warmed up to Jim and just seems to be annoyed with him at all times, Jim is ready to give up. Maybe he was wrong.

So Jim draws back, doesn’t try to get the grouchy doctor to go out drinking with him on the weekends anymore, lets him sit by himself in the mess hall.

Naturally he’s surprised when a week later Leonard sinks down heavily on the chair next to Jim.  
Jim looks up from his plate and can’t help the small smile forming on his face.  
Leonard sighs.  
“What do you think we go to this bar you’ve been bugging me about all month tomorrow?"   
Jim stopped chewing. "Uh, sure”, he beamed. “What changed your mind?”  
Jim could swear he saw the corners of Leonard’s mouth quirk up a little. “I couldn’t just leave you there looking all pathetic.”


	13. Chapter 13

Leonard didn’t end up throwing up on Jim on the shuttle to San Francisco.  
And neither did Jim after Bones gave him the vaccine against Melvaren mud fleas.

In fact the first time one of them did throw up on the other was seven years after they first met.

Leonard had an arm slung around Jim’s waist, helping him to the nearest bathroom after he’d uttered a faint “Bones, I don’t feel too good.”  
They’d just reached the room as Jim scrambled for the door frame but he still didn’t manage to make it the last few meters to the toilet and instead puked all over Leonard’s pants and shoes.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry! Please let me just-” but Jim started to retch again.  
“It’s alright, darlin’, seen plenty of vomit in my day," Leonard said, rubbing circles in Jim’s back. "Didn't think this would get you so worked up.”

Jim wiped the back of his hand over his mouth and took a deep breath. “I don’t know if I can do this, Bones. What if I fuck this up? What if I fuck  _us_  up?” And wow, Leonard didn’t know if he’d ever heard Jim this desperate.

“Jim, calm down. We’ll be fine. We’ve made it this far, haven’t we? Why would it be any different just because we add some rings?  
You’re not going to fuck this up, Jim. Because I won’t let you.” Leonard took it as a good sign that Jim smiled at this.  
“All you have to do is walk down that aisle tomorrow and say ‘I do’ at the right time. I’m pretty sure you can manage that.” Leonard hesitated. “But if you’re really not sure about this… we can postpone the wedding if that’s what you need.”

A new sense of determination was in Jim’s eyes as he looked up. “No, we are going to get married tomorrow! There is no way in hell I’m going through all of this preparation shit again. Besides… there’s nothing I want more than to see a ring on your finger and call you my husband." 

Leonard’s heart seemed to swell in his chest and he wanted to kiss Jim, but quickly remembered the mess they were still in. Apparently Jim did too, he made a disgusted face. 

"Who would have thought”, he chuckled, “that I was going to be the one throwing up on you in the end.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heavy angst

After Jim’s been released from Starfleet Medical, finally recovered and cleared for light duty by Bones himself, he didn’t seem to know how to properly function anymore.   
While he was still at the clinic, he’d been busy sleeping, working on PADDs and getting prodded endlessly with medical scanners by Bones.   
  
Now, he was back in his apartment, sprawled over the couch, staring at the ceiling.  
Usually whenever he’d had some free time back at the academy, he’d go over to Bones’ place when he knew the doctor wasn’t working. And Jim knew Bones wasn’t on duty right now.  
It shouldn’t feel this weird. Things never got weird between them, but since Jim had woken up Bones had been distanced, almost cold. Sarcasm always firmly on his side, and not of the usual affectionate sort.

But well, Bones had been especially busy over the last few weeks, he’d probably just been even more stressed and most likely annoyed with the fact that now he really had to bring Jim back from the dead. No, not probably - definitely.

So Jim got up, grabbed a jacket and went over to Bones’ place.  
He stopped by a Thai restaurant to get some take out, he could at least try to maybe lift up McCoy’s spirits a bit.

When he reached the door to Bones’ apartment, he didn’t even think to knock, the man probably wouldn’t even open, so Jim just let himself in. Holding the bag of take out in front of himself, Jim yelled “Bones! Look, I was bored so I came over, I even brought ta-” but the rest of the sentence got stuck in his throat.   
In the dimly lit living area Jim could only barely make out the figure slumped over the kitchen table, and if it wasn’t for the broken sobs coming from the man Jim wouldn’t have believed it was Bones. (He’d seen Leonard McCoy cry only once before, it had been was on the anniversary of David McCoy’s death in their first year at the academy and he’d been drunk, they didn’t talk about that night.)

Bones’ shoulders shook with the force of his sobs and as Jim dropped the bag with the Thai he lifted his head. The desperate call of his name was the worst sound Jim had ever heard. He crossed the room in a matter of seconds, lowering himself to his knees next to his best friend.

“Bones, oh god Bones! What happened?”

Leonard looked at him and the expression in his eyes was open and raw. He grabbed Jim’s hands in his and it scared Jim more than anything to feel that Bones’ hands were shaking.

“You died, Jim! That’s what happened! You were dead!” His voice cracked over the last word, and as he broke down against Jim’s shoulder again, desperately gripping his shirt, everything suddenly made sense.

Jim slung his arms around the shaking frame of the person he treasured most in his life and swore to himself, he’d do everything possible to never have to see Bones like this ever again.


	15. Chapter 15

It’s been just a few weeks since Jim and Leonard had gotten together. And they were happy. Really happy. They didn’t try to hide their relationship, why should they? Sure, they got a few looks but that was it.

  
Until two months into their relationship.

  
They were at a bar, relaxing after a long week of exams and hospital duty. They didn’t have much to drink, but Jim was a bit sleepy, his head on Leonard’s shoulder. The doctor turned his head to press a kiss against Jim’s temple, the younger smiled.  
The bar wasn’t too full yet, it was still fairly early, and groups of cadets were chatting in corners, sipping their drinks.  
So it wasn’t too much of a surprise when Leonard overheard some parts of a discussion happening not far from them.

_look at them … those two fuckups … probably the only ones who want to spend time with the other … need a fuck here and there … pathetic … and really, Kirk can have everyone for a quick fuck … McCoy probably promised him stuff … besides wasn’t he married to a woman? … bet he just wants to know what it’s like … wants a taste of Kirk …won’t last for much longer  
_

Leonard really tried to ignore the group of cadets, but it was getting harder and harder. Eventually he nudged Jim’s head off his shoulder and told him he’d be back in a minute.

Leonard walked up to the cadets calmly.  
“I suggest you stop talking.”

One girl in the group looked maybe a bit shocked to see the subject of their discussion suddenly standing in front of her but the others didn’t seem fazed at all.  
“Feel the need to defend yourself, McCoy?”

Leonard sighed. “No, but I’d like to tell you to stop talking about other people’s relationships. It’s none of your business.”

“Oh come on, McCoy. What do you even want with him? You of all should know that Kirk’s just fucking around all the time.”

Leonard really didn’t want to do this tonight, but he couldn’t stop himself.  
“What I want from Jim? I tell you what I want. Nothing. I want absolutely nothing from him. I love him and I am incredibly grateful that he returns my feelings. You have no idea what Jim went through, what  _we_  went through. And as I said, it’s absolutely none of your business. Yes, I am happy with James T. Kirk by my side, the happiest I’ve been in a long time and if you can’t see that I feel bad for you because you probably don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like.   
I can’t talk for Jim, but I told him that I expect nothing from him and that he is free to go if he wants to, but Jim told me that he wants to be with me and I trust him with all I’ve got. So you shut the hell up!”

Leonard really didn’t know where all of this came from, but suddenly there was a warm hand on his shoulder, turned him around and then Jim was staring at him with a fond expression and eyes full of warmth and kissed him.   
“I love you, too”, Jim whispered against his lips. Then he punched the guy who'd spoken up square in the face.  
  


People might not think they would work, but whenever Leonard looked at Jim he just knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, and something told him that maybe Jim wanted that too. 


	16. Chapter 16

“Bones!” Jim exclaimed cheerfully as he let himself into Leonard’s quarters without bothering to knock or ring the bell.

“Yes, Jim,” the doctor answered without looking up from where he’d been reading on his PADD, “what can I do for you?”

“So I’ve been wondering, you have been in love, right? Like with the whole marriage thing and all. What’s it like? Being in love, I mean.”

Now Leonard did look up. Jim was smiling expectantly at him. Leonard was used to get the weirdest of questions at all times of the day, but even for Jim that was very out of the blue.  
“What?”

Jim was still beaming like the sun. “I don’t know what it’s like. Have never been with someone for longer than a few nights. At least I don’t think I know how it feels like to be in love, but you are the expert here, so tell me.”

“I’d hardly call myself an expert, but yes, I have been in love.” Leonard watched Jim walk across the room while simultaneously kicking his boots off his feet. Then he flopped down on the couch.

“Well, I think it can be very different for people, when they fall for someone. But for me the first thing I always notice is that I catch myself looking at the person a lot.” Leonard knew by now it was best to just tell Jim what he wanted to know, weird as it might be.   
He scratched his neck as he tried to think back to when he fell for Jocelyn. There was a more recent experience Leonard could certainly draw from, but that was a bit problematic because the person of Leonard’s affections was lying on his couch asking him to tell him about love. 

“I always look at the eyes a lot, trying to make out the way they look in different light,” Leonard continued, carefully avoiding to look too directly at Jim now, “I catch myself smiling when they smile and I’m just happy to be around the person.” Now he did look up. Jim’s grin had turned into a thoughtful smile and he really seemed to be genuinely interested in what Leonard had to say.

“I think about the person all the time,” Leonard felt his cheeks heat up a bit, “there’s that ridiculous fluttery feeling you get in your stomach and you catch yourself suddenly grinning like a lunatic because you thought of something they did.” He chuckled lightly. 

“You know you’d do anything for the person,” Leonard said, the expression on his face sincere as he looked up, “and just want them to be happy."   
Jim had straightened up on the couch, looking at him intently with his elbows on his knees. The smile had vanished, but his eyes were shining brightly.

"And then there are those random moments where you just look at them and you feel like you’re gonna burst with emotion, your heart races and you want nothing more than to kiss them and yeah, that’s… basically it, for me, yeah.” Leonard finished lamely, looking at the carpet. He really hoped he didn't let it show just how much he felt exactly that for Jim.

Jim was still sitting with his arms on his legs, Leonard could tell he was thinking about what he’d just said, but he couldn’t really read the look on Jim’s face.

Suddenly Jim jumped to his feet, with a look at the chrono he grabbed his boots. “Aw crap, I’ll be late for Astroscience! See ya, Bones.” And with that he was out of the door. Leonard just stared after him blankly.

He was just about to turn back to his PADD when the door whooshed open again.  
“Oh, and Bones?” Jim’s megawatt grin was back in full force.

“Yes, Jim?” Leonard sighed.

“I’m damn sure I’m in love with you.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more hurt and comfort

Sometimes Jim wanted to scream.  
He wanted to run until his legs gave out, hold his breath until he couldn’t stand it anymore, crawl out of his skin because it felt too tight, punch something or even someone.  
Just do something to get rid of that dull ache.

He couldn’t pinpoint what made him feel this way.  
Jim was stressed, sure, but he was a Starfleet captain, being stressed was basically in his job description.  
So that wasn’t it.

He went on with his day. Didn’t say anything to anyone.  
But as his shift ended and he was back in his quarters, he just couldn’t stand it anymore.  
Jim grabbed his PADD and sent an empty message to one Dr. Leonard H. McCoy.

Five minutes later his door opened. Bones just looked at him for a long moment, then he crossed the room and sat down next to Jim.  
His right hand grabbed Jim’s left and he squeezed tight.  
Jim leaned his head on Leonard’s shoulder.  
  
’Thank you.’  
’Anytime.’

Jim felt like he could breath again.


	18. Chapter 18

The first time Leonard McCoy sees color he’s seventeen, it’s his last year at high school and he’s just met a girl named Jocelyn. He stumbles over his own feet at the sudden bloom of green from her eyes. Of course at that moment back then he didn’t know that her eyes were green, but just a few hours later he made the connection when he saw the color of the patch of grass in his front yard. And he knew that grass was supposed to be green.

Leonard had heard all the stories about the wonders of color you’d experience after you met your soulmate. Heard many say that at first you’d see just some colors and those might even be a bit fuzzy around the edges. But the picture would clear up the better you got to know your partner. And eventually you’d see everything so clear and vibrant that you wouldn’t even remember how it was to only see black and white and all those shades in between.  
Leonard had also heard a few tales about the colors downright exploding before your eyes, sharp and almost blinding, when you met someone who was truly destined for you. But he’d chalked that up as made-up stories by lovesick teenagers.

He was a bit disappointed after all he’d heard, because he was certain by now he knew Jocelyn very well. Hell, they’d get married tomorrow! But Leonard’s vision was still a blurry at times and he’d imagined the colors to have much more life. Should have known it was all just talk.  
Still, it was nice to see color at all.

 

A good few years down the road, Leonard could only laugh about what he once thought. His eyes and brain obviously knew more about his relationship with Jocelyn than his heart did. Looking back now it seemed to make sense that he never felt like his colors were like everyone described them to be.

And now, he found himself about five seconds from puking in a tiny shuttle bathroom, his vision almost back to grey, with nothing left but his flask half full of bourbon. What, in God’s name, had he been thinking…

He didn’t get much time to dwell on his situation before a very intimidating woman yelled at him to get a seat. So he got a seat.  
He looked up at the kid next to him to tell the unlucky soul that he might just puke all over him, but the words got momentarily stuck in his throat at the sight of dirty blond hair, a bruised face and bright electric blue eyes. Wow, so that was what all the fuzz was about.  
  
“I may throw up on ya,” Leonard said weakly.  
“I think these things are pretty safe.” The kid sounded a bit dazed.

After they’d introduced each other over McCoy’s flask, the kid, Jim, couldn’t quite seem to take his eyes off him.  
“I mean I heard the stories and all, but I never actually thought I’d see colour. That’s pretty amazing!”  
“So it hit ya, too, then.”  
Jim just nodded, eyes still flicking over Leonard’s face.

Oh boy, looked like he was in with the kid for the long haul.


End file.
